Category Archives: Life

Protected: One Year Later, Part 1: Seeds of Fate

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Fighting On: Approaching Three Years

[When I started writing this post, it will have been] less than two weeks before the third anniversary of my father’s death. It’s been an interesting ride, for those who have been following, especially those who saw posts of that time disappear upon eventual realization that there are some things better unsaid for others to judge and misconstrue. But with or without them, I have had the time to really see my own growth, and that’s the beauty of self-honest and blogging: I see it, and those who follow me do too.

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Cambodia: Meditations, Transformations, and Lionheart in Love

Photo on 2011-11-27 at 18.13 #2

Lionheart. A pendant I started wearing after I got off the streets in 2010 when it caught my eye in a Los Angeles mall, just after dad died and everything that had gone to hell was beginning to balance itself back. It comes from a video game, and to me, aside from looking cool, I think more of Richard the Lionheart from the Crusades, and Lionheart is synonymous with exceptional courage and bravery, due to his valor in battle, making it a very high praise. For me, it is a constant reminder to never give up, never back down, never give anything less than 100% of my best effort. Even before I started wearing it, that was the philosophy that got me through the trouble on the streets of New York and New England after dad died and everyone abandoned me, and I had no money.

My pendant Lionheart has always been a topic of conversation for people who notice it, from video game lovers to people who just think it looks cool and enjoy the symbolism behind it when I share it with them. Over the past three years, Lionheart really represents me and is almost an inseparable part of who I am. I am an intense person, there’s no doubt about that, but in being my authentic, true self, it allows me to filter out those who do not appreciate that and let those who do feel special around me, for they enjoy the genuine love I share with them since I appreciate them too. It is easier to point and laugh at someone who bares his heart to others and lets them decide if they want to treat it well or stab it, but very few people have the courage to expose themselves constantly. I have learned the rewards are much greater than the risks, which is why every action I make and every person I meet is a gamble for me, but I would always prefer to be me. Every criticism I get, especially writing here, is more than countered by the friends I have met who started following me because they fell in love with my writing.

falling in love

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On gratitude, happiness, and cosmic awareness

People ask me why I’m happy, because there is a lot of doubt as to how someone can be positive in an age where gritty, imperfect, angst-ridden, and cynical is considered “real” and “more human” when they are only a small corner of the map of human emotions. Of course I live in that world, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t experience moments of anger and sadness, but I do not let those feelings control me, because if you look closely, happiness is everywhere on that map. Even Jesus and Mohammed experienced anger and despair, but they lived in love and happiness as their core being, which I do with mine.

That happiness begins with awareness and gratitude: I am alive, have two arms, legs, and eyes, I can see and hear clearly, I have ten fingers and ten toes, I have my education, I have a few people who love me as much as I love them, and I’ve got a good camera and computer to help me do the work I set out to do.

I do not strive do be a messiah nor do I profess to be better than anyone, and though I may take examples from Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, Krishnamurti, Laozi, and all the other sages, my goal is self-mastery. Jesus and Mohammed knew this as well, and part of that is knowing who they are and who would follow them, because they certainly didn’t force their ideas on their enemies even if they lived with that inner rebellion in the face of adversity, never compromising themselves. Likewise, I do not compromise myself, and I certainly don’t need to be around the wrong people, which is why I will continue to be me and be grateful for whomever joins me in walking our golden paths.

“But you don’t even know where you’ll be after May! You don’t even have work lined up then and you don’t earn much!”

I don’t know what will happen after then, but I know what I have now, and now is all I have, not later. Who says that even if you weren’t working with a short timeline that you’ll still have it? Life can happen and still take it all away from you. So I live in the now and know anything can be given and taken away no matter what is written on paper.

I have more too: I wake up, and the sun is shining, the same one that shines all over the planet giving us light and life. I walk out at night, and I see that same starlit sky and moon, the same one everyone can see and realize this universe is bigger than our egos. And we are all made of stardust. Every atom of existence and matter on this planet is made of the same stuff that made the stars, transcending race, social class, nationality sex, and religion. When you know you’re not even a speck of dust in the universe, and this world, this reality is not perfect, how can you not be happy, knowing that society, material possessions, and everything else is all still small on the cosmic scale?

I come from the stars and will return to the stars. I will bring love from this cosmic awareness because I have the gift of life and am grateful for that honor. This body, which is merely a spacesuit of flesh and blood on this earthly plane, will expire one day, and I will return to the stars with the love I take from this world.

Birthdays and Apocalypses

The first of December came and went just like any day, week, month, year, or chapter in my life. It was a day I woke up the same way I intend to start my day and end it, with meditation, exercise, writing, and creating art. In between, however, like any story, is what people care about, and the morning and evening bookends of my day are ways to prepare for what comes, and to learn from what has passed. Every birthday thus is a bookend to life chapters, and though not much happened on the day, I had plenty of opportunities to reflect on life for all of my years of living, and what is to come. As of the 21st, the world continues.

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Mid-November Meditations

Recently, I posted several thoughts on my feed that brought a lot of approval, so here they are with a little side commentary as a preface to them.

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I may be Grendel, you may be right

Recently, I was listening to Billy Joel’s “You May Be Right” while reading John Gardner’s Grendel and it just came to me that I seem to resonate with another literary character, Grendel from Beowulf.

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