Bitter moment: a cathartic reflection

Sometimes, keeping calm and in control isn’t something that I can maintain all day every day. It isn’t always the big things that come my way, but an accumulation of many small things that eventually overwhelm me and cause me to get caught in a wave of emotions. In this case, as usual, it is from observing people around me.

In 2010 when I was at my worst point of my life, I was completely alone. I had no friends, I had lost my father, I had no money, and I was sleeping on the streets or in subway trains. As we know, I eventually got out of it all and have since been moving forward, making use of the potential I realized I had but couldn’t believe in before. Even if the few friends I had made as I started crawling out of the wreckage can be counted on only one hand, I attribute their support to what got me where I am now, while they say it was all me. In looking at life now, I am beginning to feel for the most part, that is true, I’ve mostly been alone.

Maybe it’s because it’s the social networking generation, or maybe social networking just helped facilitate what was already happening, but people with experiences I feel are rather trivial somehow get a lot of attention and affection from friends. When I was barely scrapping by and had just lost my dad, a couple petty people were accusing me of being a thief and demanding I give them the $35 I owed, and for my own dignity, I did, even if it meant I wouldn’t eat for a week.

In other words, the world never stopped for me at my worst, I had nobody to turn to for support or anyone who could understand during those times. People actively tried to push me down further, and they succeeded and didn’t care once they got what they wanted.

Yet when someone gets a below average score on a test or has an altercation with someone driving in traffic that triggers road rage, they have dozens of friends replying and coddling them.

When I do what I can to raise awareness of issues and how to get involved in making a difference, when I am feeling alone and lonely, I am completely ignored at best, or told to go sod myself and be a man–or whatever they have distorted the definition of “being a man” to mean.

Yet, when someone acts pompous, rude, or makes every effort to bring me down and I retaliate, her friends coddle her and call me the jerk, but make no effort to show her she has committed an offense. Why? Because in this day and age, people don’t care if they or their friends and family do something wrong, they just care that they are friends and family, and therefore, excuse their impious behavior. Being a stranger or a non-friend is enough to justify their ignoble transgressions against me, because I’m not worthy of being their friend and wasn’t lucky to be part of their family. That is how they seem to define it.

So at this present moment, I’ve come through a lot. The world never stopped for me, so I had to play catch up all alone during the hardest times of my life, and nobody was there for me, nobody cared. At this present moment, nobody is here for me, I’m alone. Everything that happens now is because I was forced to stand my ground after getting back on my feet and fight on, moving forward so that nobody will ever get in the way of me living my life and being successful. Nobody listened to me when I needed a friend, nobody cheered me on when I accomplished anything, nobody told me what to do when I was lost after dad died.

I take that back. I do have a few friends who were there for me and are here for me now, but they don’t coddle me or encourage me 24/7 the way I see many people doing so on Facebook or other social networks. The only reason they don’t is because 1) they’re busy fighting their own battles in life, but we all know we are always in each other’s thoughts supporting one another, 2) they don’t have time to go on Facebook because they’re busy fighting like I am.

So while I’m a bit envious when I see people posting trivial rants complaining about their petty lives and how their friends coddle them with endless support and love, when I see them do or say offensive things and get cheered on by friends who condemn anyone who tries to correct them, I constantly have to remind myself it’s a bad comparison. Here’s why: because most of those people haven’t experienced what I and the magnificent seven have endured in life. They can relate to one another, but they can’t relate to me.

So am I mad that they dismiss me as I am alone and lonely? No, but I admit that I am envious that they have plenty of attention, but more accepting about it now because I’m a loner in every sense. I do have something to be proud of in that sense because now I don’t owe anyone anything since I am walking my own path alone. They are children, even in their thirties at this point. Why should I expect anything from them? They don’t owe me and they don’t have the experiences I went through to be able to care, relate, or help. It’s all me now.

Sometimes I wonder why I keep going on though. Without my father around, I have no one to be proud of me for my accomplishments and my growth. Without my father around, what point is it to have the love of my life when she will never meet my father? Sometimes I just wish I could join him now, but then that will be a waste, and I feel I need to continue the work I’ve started before I reunite with him in the next world.

Until then, I’m alone in the universe. Lonely and alone, but at least now, I’m not lost. In writing this, I feel compassion for the people I envy, because now I know they have the support they have for their small problems because they don’t have the strength I built alone from the big events in life I went through. As I write this, the envy fades away, and I feel happier for them because they have exactly what they need in the form of friends who support one another through their small trials they barely have strength for, as I have exactly what I need in the form of being able to stand here knowing I have done this all alone. As I write this, I know why I’m here and why I’m alone, because I have a mission, and I’m going to see it through to the very end.

The question is, how long must I be alone and lonely? Until I have an answer for that, I guess I’ll just keep on moving forward. If I ever climb to the highest peak atop the holy mountain when I reach the ends of the world, will I still be alone? Will I want company? Will I prefer to be with company in the world below rather than under a blue sky alone high above on that holy mountain? I don’t know, but I’m the only one who will decide when the moment comes.

5 responses to “Bitter moment: a cathartic reflection

  1. For many TCKs, the only stability we have found in the storm of life and the greater storm at times of the nature of being a TCK is in our faith. Brice, Ruth and I have found that our faith in God has helped us find our identity in a global world where everyone seems to have their own opinion of right or wrong or what is acceptable or is not.
    Were do we find our sense of worth when all those around us are people we do not know and those we love are still in anothe country. Who in your close family is there when you look the wrong way crossing the street and get hit by a car. Who is there to help you deal with the heartache. For me my family were not there. I was left to deal with being in a strange country on my own at the age of 14 for 3 months. The only person who was there to listen to my frustrations was God. He was the only one who understood me enough to listen to my prayers and send people my way over the years in the many trials I have had over the years.
    It saddens me that you have had to deal with such difficult circumstances with the loss of your father and feeling so utterly alone. Yet without purpose and a sense of worth in this world it is no wonder that so many TCKs want to take the ‘easy’ way out of life and end it all. And though I dont want to admit it, at the age of 16 I struggled with such feelings too. But feelings and reality are not always best friends. I thank God that I have been able to use such difficult circumstances to grow and not to succomb to them.
    Sadly everyone goes through difficult times in our lives. The true test of our character is how we personally deal with them. Do we allow them to drain us and bring us down or do we rise to the challenge they bring us and come through them stronger?
    When you feel that nobody understands pray to the one who made you and understands you. When you need wisdom pray. Read the bible and find out for yourself how to deal with the difficulties in this world. Look to Jesus and find out for yourself that God wants to give us good things and desires to help us live our lives and use the myriad gifts that he has given us.

  2. Thank you Paul. I am under the belief that God or whomever we believe in only tests those whom he believes is capable of succeeding to prepare us to do great work. Not easy, and as you can see, I have moments of being lonely, but there is peace that every day I succeed in choosing to continue moving forward amidst temptation to give up.

  3. lifelongbruin

    You’re never alone brother. Remember that. Also, a reminder that trying to reason with a child is a lost cause, so rather than expend so much time nd energy on them, for them, or because of them, just ignore them. Is it easy? No, but why be upset or miserable over some douches and bitches that aren’t worth a damn? Life is too short to deal with people like that. You gotta be happy and you gotta do what you love. Hey, and you’re already half way there bud…lets make it happen 😉

  4. (I believe) I understand how you feel as well as what you’re expressing, having come from a similar TCK, homeless background (with my own concoction of dysfunction and lack of community etc.), reaching the pit of desperation and suicide (not saying that you are but pointing out my own level of wanting to take the easy way out) and I know often there’s nothing one can write or say that will really help, convince etc. or what not that you are not alone. All I can continue to say is that there is light at the end of the tunnel, being different in so many ways does make one feel very isolated but that in your persistence and choice to continue to pursue life, you are ultimately not disappointing your father (if that is of importance), and that at the end of the long journey we are not all that different – life experiences can come slowly or quickly. You are who you are and I know there are people out there that can accept you for who you are.

  5. Thank you Kit. It is easy to understand mentally, but emotionally it takes time, as with many things, which is why I am honest with myself as I write here. It is also an excellent catharsis because as we see here, that’s when I realize near the end of writing that it is exactly as it should be: I have the strength to soldier on alone because I can, and those who can’t have friends to support them, whether it is through trivialities of life or major traumas.

    Someone once told me that no matter how much you do, how kind you are, people will take advantage of it, not appreciate it, and disappoint you–keep being kind anyway. That is my plan. Thank you once again!

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