First week observations in exile

Homemade Banana "Ice Cream"

This is my homemade banana “ice cream” which I made by chopping up and freezing two bananas, then mashing them up together, pouring a little kefir in and mixing it up with some organic honey, then sprinkling cinnamon and some walnuts on top. Yes, it is extremely tasty and healthy! It is the first product of my labor that I have produced straight out of the inspiration that has come from this exile.

Approximately one week since I’ve gone into my temporary seclusion, I feel I have already learned a few valuable lessons. First and foremost is that the negativity came from expectations–namely of other people. I had been very upset that some people just weren’t responding to me, or just didn’t understand my concerns I felt. Secondly, I realize I had been complaining a lot, and it’s not easy to understand constantly repeated but never elaborated grievances.

In taking a step back, limited my communication with others–by not signing into Google Chat or onto Facebook unless I was replying to messages directly, but never initiating anything or making any posts. This way, I avoided comparisons and expectations by letting other people live their lives instead of getting angry at how they weren’t responding to me. I’m not saying don’t use Facebook period, I’m saying use Facebook wisely, which for me is not spending hours on it, especially if that time is used looking at other people’s pictures, wall posts, or making passive-aggressive status updates (as many are wont to do).

Conveniently, I also started acting classes. Meeting new people and going to a different environment definitely pulled me out of the reality I was attached too much to, because it showed me there’s a bigger pool of people out there and more fun things to do, I’m doing something fun, and that I’m not stuck with expectations from one small pool of people.

In those classes, someone taught me two very wise things, the first being about the observations of being overly self-conscious, and another about the pursuit of women. The first thing he quoted from his older friend: “When I was twenty, I was always concerned about what others thought about me. When I was forty, I thought ‘Fuck what everyone else thinks about me!’. When I was sixty, I realized nobody was thinking about me at all; they had always been thinking about themselves and what other people thought of them.” This pretty much answered my question as to why I was feeling  frustrated with my expectations of others.

The second thing he told me was regarding the pursuit of women: “Most women deteriorate in value because we are drawn to their beauty, whereas men increase in value with age because of what we do.” Taking that into account, I realize that whenever I fall in love, it is not something that stays with me, since I end up getting so caught in the journey of self-actualization that whomever inspired me to improve myself to be “good enough for” suddenly feels so below my standards that I’m more focused on rising higher. I let go of the object of desire, and the extra weight I’ve dropped me allows me to soar until I get to my destination. In the past, I would find someone else who would seem above me and I felt unworthy of. Now, I feel whomever I end up with next should pursue me so that I can focus on improving myself instead of wasting my time trying to be “good enough” for her or trying to impress her with superficial accomplishments instead of internal growth that they can see shining through and resonating, which is what draws people and attracts them.

Lastly, the creative process of acting and learning about the craft has affected me deeply. The word “acting” has lost meaning to me because I’m no longer trying to think about what to do to play my character’s role–I’m simply being my character. I realized as an actor, one should do less and be more. We learned to read others, feel others, and about the creative process involved in simple things such as interacting with others and how we respond or how we make others feel. In constantly disassociating myself and becoming new characters and fulfilling different roles, acting–which is defined one way as “being truthful in imaginary circumstances”–it made me wonder what role mine is in this existence. Am I the loner and constantly complaining Eeyore? Am I the eccentric nut who should be confined to a straightjacket? Or am I the chivalrous knight and Victorian gentleman whose outdated execution does more damage than it promotes the gentleman’s code? In taking a step back and being audience to my previous actions, attitude, and self, I am able to become the director and cast myself into a new role with better-elaborated motives.

The first step has led to new accomplishments, as well as elaborating and expanding my goals. This creative process that has begun has manifested itself in my new awareness and creation. That first creation, being the “ice cream” recipe I made is the first new piece of me. There will be much, much more later on.

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