Sometimes I think that I’m a player on a sport team with no support and incredible odds against me. Surrounded by adversity, full of many people who can’t help me (usually those who have no experience or understanding, especially those who offer bad advice) and a few people who can help but are usually too busy dealing with their own challenges.
Looking at the situation, I’m two people in the same body. When I’m with friends, I’m motivated, positive, driven, hardworking, inspiring, and altruistic. When I’m alone, I’m depressed, walking around hanging my head low, full of self-doubt because I don’t see any end to this phase in life. The voices of self-doubt speak louder and bring me down, and I don’t know if I can do it.
Expanding on the analogy of being on a sports team, I could seriously use more cheerleaders. It’s great to have people who support me and believe in me, even if they can’t actively do anything. Just knowing they are there to say don’t give up, finish the game, is a little hope and encouragement.
Since turning 27, I’ve been reflecting a lot. My next seven years are now formulated: in January of 2011, I will do a Paralegal program, and have one useful skill to fall back on when all goes to hell. In fall of 2011 if I am lucky, I will be in graduate school, preferably UCSD due to cost, location, and program. In fall of 2013, I will be in law school, studying international and human rights law. In 2016, I will take the BAR exam for California and New York. The gift of the universe is a plan to rise and achieve my goals, and be the best I can be.
One of the bigger revelations recently is just how much money I’m spending and actually need, which my friend has been helping me realize. If time is money, then I’m worth $30 an hour and wasting too much time and losing money by riding the bus three hours a day. I’m not saving anything by wasting three hours on average and paying for a transit pass, nor is being in Downtown Los Angeles of any benefit for me to find more jobs and better places. I’m always on the west side and everything I need and want is here, as are all my friends, the gym, and I only go back east to sleep. So why bother living out there when I save more by being here with a fridge, kitchen, and save time? I’ll be here daily in January because I’ll be doing my Paralegal program here near UCLA too.
Last night was the last straw, and I’m moving out ASAP. Came home to an apartment building covered in cockroaches and ticks on every floor, and a homeless person and his shopping cart next to my apartment door. Universe has a way of communicating to us we need to go and where we shouldn’t be.
On that note, I keep running into this girl everywhere I go. She looks like a Japanese Adult Video model, and whether it’s the gym, the streets of Westwood, Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, or the bathroom in the cafe I frequent, she’s there.
One day at the gym, I see her reflection passing by, and I turn around to see her and confirm it’s her. She turns around and catches me looking at her. I’m embarrassed that she caught me, but then I realize she turned around and looked back to see me. Later on, I’m in Trader Joe’s and see her, and try to avoid her. As expected, out of a corner, she pops out and I get startled, while she tries to ignore me. Lining up to pay, I hear her voice on the phone noting that she keeps running into me to her friend, then gets embarrassed when I turn around and she finds out I was right in front of her while she was talking about me. Then I see her coming out of the bathroom I’m about to go into at the cafe I frequent. This has been going on for a couple months.
At the very least, I have entertaining stories to share with people, and maybe I’ll get a few more cheerleaders to encourage me, or get some coaching advice from people who see my game plan and where to go and how to do it best. Then we can all celebrate when I win and bring home the prize and money.
Back to the game of life!